What is your reasoning?

So two recent events have really got me thinking so I thought I'd blog about it....blogging tends to help me think through problems or common "issues" we all as humans go through.

EVENT #1
So I was driving to work through Sardine Canyon (Logan to Brigham City).  It was snowing extremely hard and the roads were TERRIBLE.  I mean extremely bad.  Well while I was driving I started to slide, so I corrected and then I started sliding the other way...blah blah blah I ended up sliding about 20 feet off the road into a bit of a ditch.  I was stuck.  Really bad.  When the car stopped moving I just sat there and thought, "well...what. do I do. now..." I just sat there for a minute contemplating who to call and a police officer pulled came to my rescue.  He came to my window and told me he'd call a tow truck for me.  After he walked away, I opened my car door and could barely open it because the snow was so high.

I then proceeded to call my work and tell them what had happened (all while trying my best to choke back the tears, ha I was a little flustered.) 

Then....the worst part of it all...

I had to call my mother.

You see I drive my mother's car and the first thing she told me when I got my job in Brigham City was that she was nervous because of the winters in Cache Valley and the roads can be pretty bad when it snows.  Ha well man...don't you just love when your parents are right (cause they ALWAYS ARE).

Well I called her and she didn't get mad at me but I could tell she was frustrated and then got the questioning "how fast were you driving? Did you brake too fast? Etc. Etc" She was very kind about it all and was sensitive to the situation.  It is just that immediate guilt and feeling of disappointing your parents that sucks SO bad.  You know you try so hard to meet those expectations and being your best and what not...but man when you do something dumb, the worst part of it is always the let down you feel.

Once I was pulled out and back on the road heading to work I just started thinking about how I disappointing the whole situation felt.  It was like man the only thing out of all of that, between sliding off the road, paying $80, being late for work, and my co-worker having to turn around to see if I needed help, the only thing that made me cry was that feeling of stupidity and guilt in calling my mom.

So event #1 relates to....

EVENT #2

The other day I was hanging out with a friend when he asked me, "where do you think you'd be right now if you had no expectations from other people?" ...and I thought, "wow...I have absolutely NO idea".  My entire life has been mapped out for me.  Elementary, Jr. High, High School and then college where you get married and have kids and a family and it just goes from there.  That is just the way it goes.  There was never a question of whether or not I'd go to college after high school.

While growing up I never really had much supervision, no one standing over my shoulder making sure I got my school work done or that I got to practice on time.  I just did it. But I'm pretty sure I just did it because I didn't want to disappoint anyone.  My whole life has been an attempt to make my parents happy, to not disappoint them or throw away the opportunities they've given me. That feeling of meeting expectations was more of a push then someone actually verbally telling me what to do.

Answering the question of where I'd be is nearly impossible...I don't really know which decisions I've made were because it's what I wanted or what I think would make someone happy.  I mean I hope that I wanted a college degree and I am pretty sure I wanted to play college soccer.  But now...I graduate in 3 months...THREE months people.  Do you know how soon that is?? Ya that is EXTREMELY soon.  I don't know what to do with myself...which I hate.  I've always been told what to do and now that I am supposed to decide, I don't know how.  I have many options, they are all good options but it is hard to pick which option would be the "best option".

I think that is a big problem with our culture, we are always shaped and morphed into what we are "supposed" to be, supposed to learn, how you're supposed to act.  The worst part is, once you're in the real world you are supposed to be able to make those decisions on your own, even possibly come up with new ones.  Everyone expects you to be creative and to be able to think out of the box...well hello how am I supposed to be good at that when I've never done it I mean seriously people I don't know what to do, I have been told the next step of what to do my entire life!

I think what is even worse then that is that so much of what we do isn't for ourselves.  It is extremely hard to separate the things we do because it is what we WANT to do and what things we do because it is what we are EXPECTED to do. 

The fear of disappointing those we love is definitely a double edged sword.  Some kids do things because they don't want to disappoint their parents, and some kids just don't try because they don't want to disappoint their parents...it is sometimes easier to tell someone you didn't achieve a certain expectation because you didn't try then to tell them you failed.

Now ask yourself...are you living your life for you? Or for others around you?